The Dummy’s Guide To Armed Robbery

You love money clips. You love them so much you want one of each kind. You want leather money clips, gold money clips, jeweled money clips, and just about all kinds of money clips known to humankind. There is only one catch - you don’t have gobs of cash to clip or buy money clips with. What’s a person to do? Most would find a job or get a loan. Not you, however. You have a different plan. To get all those money clips, you will loot a bank.

Obviously, you’re a few apples short of the pie. Only a nutjob would think money clips are worth committing crimes for. This means you will need help in perpetrating the deed. In the name of money clips and consumerism, here are some tips for the dummy who plans to commit armed robbery.

1. Make sure the bank is open for business the day you rob it. Cross Sundays off your robbery calendar.

2. Choose your escape transportation wisely. A bicycle is not a good vehicle. Neither are skateboards, buses, cabs, and pogo sticks. What you need is a small, fast car that will blend into the traffic. Clearly, your neon orange Volkswagen does not an ideal getaway car make. Your mom’s car qualifies, however, so go ask her nicely. If she lets you borrow her car for a day, be sure to replace or remove the license plate. You do not want to turn your 60-year-old mother into an inmate.

3. Check your mask. Make sure it has eye holes. Cut out a hole for the mouth, too.

4. Once you enter the bank, there is no need to stand in queue. You’re there to rob it, not make a deposit.

5. Tell everyone to sprawl on the floor - side by side, not on top of each other.

6. Instruct the teller to put all the money she’s got into your bag. There is no need to ask her how much everything amounts to. There is also no need to have her count the bills out. No matter how much is in the bag, it’s enough to get you a roomful of gold money clips - if those are what you want.

Oh, and in the off-chance you intend to make a banana pass for a gun, make your performance convincing. Remember, you are a robber. You are hard-hearted and sinister. Do not eat the banana while you wait for your moolah.